Thoughts
A bit of history
Below is a bit of history as to why this site was created. For the one who has messaged me, I have left a SPECIAL message for you at the bottom of this page.
When this site was first created, it was for someone. It was a gift of love to begin the memory of the future we were supposed to have. The name "Idylline" was not their actual name, but a name that was given to them to find the best way to express the combination of their heart, their mind, and their love. The word "Idyllic" is always used in poetry as the closest we can ever find to perfection and adding the "ine" makes it sound as a song that one sings when the name is called.
Unfortunately, events happened in their life that caused them to leave - some of it my fault - and a lot of it out of my control. They were betrothed to another and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I took some time in isolation to analyze it all, but the damage was done. I was blocked and unable to ever talk to them again - as it was likely meant to be. This site now, lives as a monument for the promises, wishes, and dreams that were spoken but will never be fulfilled.
When i made this site, there was no other "Idylline". This was my only place where what is left of me lives on. I know the original person I made this for has long forgotten me and everything ever promised, but someone else found this place. For the one who has sent me messages, I only know that you found this place by accident. I do not know who you are and I do not know what to do to fix things. I truly do understand the hurt, the pain, and it reminds me a lot about why I made this site. I know you are not the one i created the site for, and I can't apologize for things I never did. i know you may not even care, but I hope you find peace in this world of apathy and turmoil.
While I may have lost ever having "Idylline" in my life and all the promises of the future, she will still be the a beacon of love and all the things to whom she gives her heart and makes their life together as "perfect" as possible. May all the hate, pain, and anger buried within be transformed by that love they give and the greater love they receive in return, even if that is naïve of me to believe.
Fate and Balance
"It is not our words, but our actions that define us."
I was thinking about all of our conversations back and forth trying to analyze all of them and think of how to convince you I am not the person you think I am. You read my words and are ready to pounce on every misinterpretation. You (and others) can call me a victim, a whiner, emo, a simp, a loser, et cetera, but the feelings we all have are allowed. The most toxic people I have ever met are the ones that call others toxic. We are all allowed to feel as we do.
I have spent most of my adult life trying to find someone to love me and be as loyal as you are to the person who did you wrong. I've always tried to be the "good guy", but being a good guy only matters AFTER she loves you, not before. You speak of a guy who, cheated, did drugs, and hurt you in ways no one else has and you STILL LOVE HIM. I envy this guy because he can treat woman badly (based on conversations without actual fact) and there is still someone who would give their very life to be with them. I WISH I had found someone like you and you never would have known this kind of hurt or pain.
When a good guy comes, he becomes the object of all the hatred and vitriol that the other person should have, but because of all the love still buried deep in side with the hate, the hate has to be redirected to someone else. I have lost a lot of relationships, for some reason or another, and half of them were because I was punished for someone else's bad behavior. You spent most of your time making judgmental comments and even in your last message, you say "...all I really know is you are not him and at this point you basically might as well be because this communication is all based on your need for approval...". You do not even know me and yet here we are. Once a "good girl" is destroyed by a bad guy, everyone else is to blame. The best part of you is buried because you feel you have to lash out and can't let go.
I have decided to both prove I am NOT the person you think I am AND get you closure. I do not know if you are who you say you are or if any of this is even true, but I will contact the band and find out for myself. When someone loves someone else so much, they need this closure before their mind and heart can be at ease. Sometimes fate brings people together for a reason no one really understands and everything happens for a reason. But, that is only half of everything. The other half is how we proceed and what we do in response. You make your judgments and run back to your anonymity, but I will do something about it, even if I never know the outcome. I never got closure on most of my failures in life, but if I can bring you that peace, then perhaps, something I did truly helped someone find the way back to their light.